Tests & Trials

I envy the people that get everything handed to them so easily sometimes. Granted I work for everything that I have so I am humble and grateful for those things. At the same time, I just wish that some things were just easier. I can't seem to ever pass math. I seem to always fail math tests, math classes, math anything. I studied my butt off, I don't care who believes me or not. I prayed so much to pass this stupid test. I find each time though sittingg in my car just crying out of pure disappointment. Why can I do everythig else? Why is it only math that I cannot seem to grasp? I am so sick of there being one thing after the other. I feel like it is always something. I feel like I never get a breath in-between all these tests and trials. I finally deal with a problem and moments later there is something else. I feel like slowly I am just losing faith and that scares me. I am so broken, not sure why the devil won't just leave me alone. Can't he see I am so run down into the dirt that I literally have nothing left? I feel like I wouldn't even know how to be happy again. It's been so long since I could just think, 'hey life is great, no worries'. I don't get that luxury at all. I am so torn, so broken down. So depressed, I literally have nothing left. I am so dry. I need the spirit to just pour down on me. The only thing that pours down are my tears, I feel I won't even be able to cry anymore because I'll run out of those too. I am so ready for peace. I have absolutely no peace. I need a spiritual outpouring. Just needed to get my thoughts out.

End of March

It has been nearly forever since I took the time to write. I think I have been avoiding it because I have far too much going on in my mind and it would be impossible to translate it all into a blog.
I really need to be studying more for the GK exam and get it taken so I can apply for the Teaching Program in the fall. That really needs to be my first priority in fact. My goal is to take it before my birthday in May. That way I have over a month to really study hard for it to ensure that I pass it. I think this is what has really been stressing me out lately.
I feel like every time I get my paycheck, something happens and I have to use it all. :( It really makes me sad. Car repairs, Dentist, Chiropractor, Glasses, etc...living is so expensive! Well I made a  list on my 'To do' list, so I plan on getting a few things done off of there tonight. Until next time...(:

Safe -- Tear down your walls

 

 This song is so dear to my heart, when I listen do it, it is like nothing else goes on and I am completely consumed.

How often do we sit here and ignore God and ignore all the signs that he puts right in front of our face? 

How often do we put up walls to avoid getting hurt because of old hate that we hold onto for song long? I've had plenty go on in my life to where I've put up walls that for years kept people from getting into my life. My friends could only get so close. Hate is like a cancer that doesn't just get ignored, but it lingers and grows like cancer and gets worse. It is very important to let all of that go and to move on. I held onto experiences that I went through for years and years before the Holy Spirit told my grandma what happened and it was true. God works in mysterious ways, but I've always learned from what he has let me go through and it has made me stronger.

Now, I know I am not the only one that likes to be in control of my own life. Well, God has a certain purpose and plan for our lives and how are we going to go the way we should if we don't let Him guide us? It will only be so long before we lose control of our lives and He is just going to be patiently waiting for us to come back to Him so we can give up everything and let Him guide us. We have to let our walls completely break, it is a good and relieving thing! Aren't you tired of falling and running? So why don't we ever do what is actually easy and surrender and let God help us? Humans are so stubborn. At moments like these I like to go outside and sit on our dock or on top of our boat and just sit in awe of the beauty around me. God made everything around me, so why would I ever underestimate the path and the trials I go through? God takes care of everything around us and gives everything color and pays SO CLOSE attention to details, of course He'd do the same in our lives too. 

Drop your guard and let God have a chance at your heart. He'll surprise you, I can promise you that. God's Love is never safe, but Love will always be worth the risk

Soul Food

 

This is what I have been eating at work. Yummy right?? It is just so colorful and filling. The red machine is not my favorite, but they didn't have either of the ones I like. I love the Mighty Mango and the Blue Machine. De-Lish-ous. & oh yes....Strawberries on my salad, you would think it would be weird, but I dare you to try it, & oh hey...it's strawberry season. (: I will have to post later on what my new recent food addiction has been. Rice Cake with Natural Peanut Butter & Organic Raisins. Oh it is almost heavenly . <3 Sweetest dreams my blog followers (:

January 8th 2011

When you're doing really well with your diet, don't think about going out to reward yourself. Especially to a place like Olive Garden for a treat, even if it is a date. LOL I have no idea when I am going to learn my lesson about that place. Everytime I eat there....it is absolutely delicious; until I come home and get sick. There isn't a time that I can remember where I didn't get sick from it, so why do I keep going thinking it will be different? I think I just forget how bad it is afterward and remember how amazing it is while I am there. --I'll try not making that mistake again.

Today I am going for a walk around Cresent Lake. I hear it is about a mile around it and figured would be a good workout to start off my day. After that I am going out with Kristen and spending the rest of the day with her. No matter what, if you fight with your best friend or not; you realize that they actually will be there for you when you need them the most and she has been. And I am so thankful for her always showing up just in time. I have a lot of friends, but not a lot that I've trusted with actually everything. You don't need to see your best friend everyday or talk 24/7 for them to be the title of your 'best friend'. We live two very different lives, yet...when we are together it's like old times and it's the same life as before. We never lose our connection when we are together. Distance certainly takes a toll on our friendship sometimes, at least that's what we think at the time. But whether we are mad at each other or not, as soon as we see each other none of that ever mattered and we realized how much we actually missed each other. It sucks that we are both so busy, I am sure we'd see a lot more of each other. I truly love my best friend.

Well it is time to get ready and to tackle the day ahead. Each day is a gift, consider it once in a while & God just might surprise you.

January 2011

It is a new year and I can't think of a better time to start something new. Every week it seems like something bad happens or just adds on to the crap I am already having to go through.

Everyone makes a new year's resolution and fails it just after the new year. Well lets be honest, we make a resolution that we cannot keep. We think oh 'I want to lose this much weight or make all this money, blah blah blah'. Don't get me wrong, I would like all those things too, but I'd rather just be happy. I hate making goals and being disappointed because they're too much to handle right away. You can't just say one day I am going to be vegetarian, I know, it takes practice. You have to ease your way into everything.

My resolution is to be happy. To make a difference in my body, my commitment to God, my health.

I recently went to the Chiropractor and he thinks that I possibly could have something that I won't even name because I am not going to give it any sort of power over my body. But truth is, it terrifies me. I can't go through the day without thinking about it and I hate living life in fear. There is no fear in the Lord and I keep having to remind myself of that. I don't like not being able to eat what I love or whatever. I am constantly having to read labels and check sugar and stay away from this and that. I go through the day so hungry and it sucks.

I have started a journal full about what I eat and how I feel, but it is boring & I would much rather type b/c I am better at it and I can keep up with my thoughts (: Anyways, I have lost 2.5 lbs so far so, it makes it worth while eating raw foods and drinking tons of water.

Everything that has been going on has put me on an emotional roller coaster and I am about to puke (hypothetically). Things have been hitting me one thing after another and it is to the point where, it has got to stop. I don't think I can handle much more on my own. Which is why, I know I need to be more in the Word and to make sure that I am going to God for all of my worries. Things will get better, this is just a season. It is so easy to tell someone all this stuff and to encourage them, but so hard to take your own words into consideration for yourself.

Well, I think that is enough rambling for right now. Things to do, Places to go. (: